When will I stop acting?

Why do I act this way?? Why cant I be normal and be who I truly am??? Am I that useless and can't be true to my friends?? It's tiring...I lost the most important person in my life just coz of my mistake and only thinking about myself...サラング ごめんね。。。。見逃すよ。。coz of me being foolish and I not just hurt myself I hurt you the most....mian ne...jin jja...mian... :'( I'm so stupid...but you didn't know how I was being isolated by you...srsly I hated it...I guess that's when I only thought about myself :/
But right now this is how I only feel and feel like for a long while...

What are you thinking??

Recently I blogged about losing that important friend of mine. Yea...well like I go to the same hospitality class as them and we are getting our work placement choices. We had the free choice. I chose this bistro down at west ryde. The teacher did mention that two ppl can go to this bistro coz it's big enough to have 2 students there. One by one the teacher read down the list and selecting a student that she thinks would suit the job and place. One by one the list becomes shorter. Then finally the choice that I wanted west ryde something somethig something (forgot the name) so without a second thought I raised my hand n noticed that person put up their hand not long after mine...what was that person thinking?? Wouldn't they think about the consequences and know that it would be really awks?? What are they thinking?? My other friends that know about my situation gave me this look of sympathy and would u be alright. I simply couldn't do anything but give them back a smile to show I'm ok don't need to worry about me. But really my true feelings were hiding behind a mask...what should I do?? I'm really scared...I don't wanna have that awkward moment :( or is this a sign from god giving us a second chance to be as close as before?? What am I suppose to do..im so confused...why did that person raise their hand up even if I raised mine first?? What are they thinking??? Someone tell me....

xx cuutetuurtle